Not particularly fond of scientists
by TamaraJagellovsk
Summary: A very, very old story that I recently found on my hard disc. It was obviously written long before anything else I have published - it was in German! ebineez01 and I tried to get rid of the most obvious flaws. Female OC. Might be a bit of a Mary Sue.
1. Against better judgement

Amanda Hess had a heart felt aversion towards everything military. She had adopted it from her father, a reverend and staunch pacifist. When she answered the phone that day something started on a course that would shake her opinion.

„Hess?"

„Amanda? This is Daniel. Jackson."

„Dr. Jackson! Where are you, we haven't heard from you in a lifetime!"

„I can't tell you over the phone, Amanda, but I need your help."

„What are you talking about? Are you working for the government or something?"

It had been meant as a joke, but when Daniel didn't answer her right away she got a sinking feeling.

„Doctor?"

Daniel cleared his throat,

„Can you meet me? I really need you."

Amanda had always liked her professor. If she was completely honest with herself she'd had a bit of a crush on him. Besides, all that super secret behavior had piqued her interest.

"OK. Why don't you come to see me at the university, my office is on the third floor."

"Thanks. I'll be there in half an hour."

…

"OK, fine. One condition."

General Hammond looked at the German linguist inquiringly.

"I will not leave Earth. No assignment on alien planets, no weapons, no uniform."

Hammond couldn't help his smile.

"Don't worry, we need your expertise, not your vow on the constitution. Of course you'll remain a civilian. It's a purely scientific task, and I don't see any reason for you to leave earth."

Amanda gave a satisfied nod and extended her hand to him. When he felt her firm handshake he was glad to have her in the program.

…

Daniel buried his face in his hands for a moment. Then he took off his glasses and rubbed his face.

"I'm officially stuck."

Amanda looked up from her documents.

"Excuse me? I don't know one single person who knows more about dead languages. How's it possible that you are stuck?

Daniel lowered his head to his desk. She felt sorry for him, so she got up and walked around the desk to take a look at what he had been working on. Absentmindedly she rested her hand on his shoulder, and he relaxed. He hadn't even noticed how tense he had been.

"I think I need a break. Not getting any younger I guess...feel like joining me?"

But Amanda hardly heard him. He tried again:

"Amanda? Break? Food?"

She sounded almost reluctant when she answered him: "No, I'd like to keep working on this. Can you just go on your own?"

Daniel shook his head and shrugged, determined to at least bring her some food on his way back.

Twenty minutes later the mess hall doors flew open to reveal a very excited Amanda Hess rushing in, pony tail flying behind her.

"Dr. Jackson! I got it! You have to come with me immediately!"

Only then did she take notice of the other people present – Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Carter were sitting at Daniel's table, and some members of different SG teams were scattered around the mess hall. And she realized that might not have been the appropriate way of talking to her former professor, even if he treated her as an equal these days. She dropped her gaze for a moment, swallowed once and said a lot softer:

"I'm sorry, but – please, doctor, I think I solved the problem."

"The case ending problem?"

"Yes! Well – I don't think they're case endings. Because they aren't even nouns. I believe they are verb endings. They probably mark prepositions!"

Before she could go on or Daniel could say anything the colonel gave his usual grumpy groan – normally reserved for Carter's techno babble – or simply anything he didn't understand. Or pretended not to understand. Daniel frowned at him and decided to ignore him. He turned to Amanda, already half way out of his chair:

"Like in Finnish!"

Amanda beamed at him.

"Exactly!"

"You're brilliant!"

And with that statement he was gone. Amanda looked at Carter and then at O'Neill a little puzzled. The major smiled at her. Jack's expression said 'Great. Another smartass.' Amanda followed Daniel. Jack turned towards Sam.

"What was that?"

"Well, sir, I'm not a linguist, but obviously Miss Hess has just solved the problem that Daniel has been having such a hard time with for days."

"Smart. Why is she in civvies?"

"Because she's a civilian, sir. She used to be Daniel's student, and he seems to think highly of her. Anyway, he asked Hammond for permission to involve her because he was stuck."

…

Amanda and Daniel translated in a rush. Now that the penny had dropped, it was ridiculously easy.

"Amanda", Daniel said pushing back his chair, "you saved my sorry butt."

The young linguist laughed.

"It was an honor, doctor."

"Please call me Daniel, Amanda. You're not my student any more, and today you have impressively proved how good you are."

"Thanks, doc- Daniel. I missed you, you know? After you disappeared all of a sudden I haven't enjoyed working with anyone this much. A pity this project will eventually be over..."

"So stay. I'm sure there will be plenty of work for you around here."

"Uh, I don't think so. The military just isn't the right thing for me. I don't belong here. People like Colonel O'Neill keep giving me that feeling, reminding me of why I don't like soldiers. He's cynical and arrogant..."

"He can be hilariously funny, too."

"Not when I'm around."

"It took me a while, you know, but now I really appreciate him. I trust him with my life."

"Yeah, well, in a life or death situation a soldier might come in handy, but -"

"Not just in the field. I've come to think of Jack as a true friend. You will come to like him, just give it some time. He simply doesn't like scientists."

"He sure likes Carter."

"Sam is as much military as she is scientist. She fought in Iraq, he knows that she could save his ass any time. And what do you mean 'he likes her'?"

"Oh come on, it's obvious. Is there anything between them?"

"Well, they are in the military."

"I get it, I'm sure there are regulations against it."

Daniel nodded gravely: "Chain of command."

"See? Just another reason to think the military sucks."

...

"No. Absolutely not. I made it absolutely clear that I would _not_ leave earth."

Carter looked at her pointedly.

"Amanda, it's really important. We won't have more than an hour to decipher that tablet. Daniel says it's impossible to do it on his own with that little time."

"Can't you just get it here? Like all the other artifacts we studied? We'd have all the time in the world to translate it here."

"No way. It's embedded into that device and no one knows what would happen if we

took it off. It's possible it could set a self destruct mechanism."

"And we can't work with pictures either because that language has a three dimensional layer", Amanda added not liking where this was leading.

„Teal'c, the colonel and I will be there to cover your back. Please, Amanda, there's a lot at stake."

Amanda sighed. She knew she didn't have much of a choice.

…

Daniel and Amanda focused on the tablet. Behind them Major Carter, Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c stood weapons ready, scanning the surroundings. The colonel kept checking his watch and telling them how much time they had left. He was trying really hard not to let his increasing tension echo in his voice.

Suddenly they heard a shot, Amanda screamed and collapsed on top of the tablet. Daniel dived for cover, Jack and Teal'c returned fire, Carter threw Daniel her gun and took off towards the 'gate at top speed. When he heard the major yell that the 'gate was ready the colonel ordered them out, picked up Amanda's motionless body and ran after his team. A shot hit his back and he faltered. Teal'c made to help him but Jack yelled at the Jaffa to go through the 'gate. Tightening his grip on Amanda he jumped through himself, just a heartbeat after being hit a second time.

...

TBC :-D


	2. Change of heart

Amanda woke up slowly and couldn't make head nor tail of the strange dream she had had. When she was fully awake and felt the pain in her shoulder she realized it hadn't been a dream. Shaken by that realization she let her head drop back into the pillow. Dr. Fraiser bowed down.

"Amanda? You're safe. How bad is the pain?"

Amanda briefly closed her eyes.

"I've been better."

Janet smiled.

"I'll give you something."

Amanda gave her a grateful nod and looked around the infirmary. She wasn't alone. In the bed next to hers lay colonel O'Neill. He was on his side with his face towards her, but he wasn't awake.

"Doctor?"

Janet followed Amanda's gaze.

"Colonel O'Neill isn't conscious yet."

"How bad is he?", Amanda asked softly.

Janet let out a sigh, added the pain killer to Amanda's IV and said:

"He was hit in the back twice."

"In the back? What happened?"

"You don't remember? According to major Carter's report you were hit first. You lost consciousness and he got you out. That's why he couldn't defend himself. "

"Will he be alright?"

Janet squared her shoulders. She looked tired.

"He's tough. It's not the first time I've had to patch him back up."

...

Amanda turned her head when she heard the colonel groan.

"Don't move, the doc is worried about your back."

"Oh great, that makes two of us. Hurts like hell."

She swallowed.

"I guess I owe you. Without you I'd be dead. Thank you."

"Just did my job. Guess you were right not wanting to go there."

"Seriously. You could have saved yourself, or at least defended yourself. Instead you saved me."

"We don't leave our people behind."

"I'm not one of your people. I'm a civilian."

"You were out there against your own better judgment, because _we_ asked you to. I was responsible for you as well as for any other member of my team, military or not. And I don't leave people behind."

He groaned again, half suppressed and barely audible.

"You need the doc."

Amanda sat up, careful not to hurt her shoulder. The colonel looked at her.

"Are you sure that's such a good idea? Shouldn't you keep still?"

"It's not that bad, just a flesh wound."

She couldn't help laughing at that.

"Didn't think I'd ever say something like that. I hate guns and soldiers and all that damn bravery."

She bit her lip.

"Present company excepted."

Jack laughed softly.

"You certainly don't mince your words."

"My dad taught me to love truth. Unfortunately he didn't teach me diplomacy."

Jack grinned, even if it was a painful grin.

"I underestimated how well you fit into my team."

Just as Amanda reached for the call button Dr. Fraiser was back.

"Colonel, you're awake! How do you feel?"

He rolled his eyes.

"OK fine, the pain killers will kick in within a minute. You're in a serious state. At the moment I can't perform surgery."

Upon seeing his inquiring look she added:

"The bullets are still in."

"What? Why? I wanna get rid of them five minutes ago!"

"Unfortunately the wounds are very close in proximity. I don't think it's a good idea to extract the bullets because the tissue between the wounds looks bad. I think it has to heal before I can get them out." *****

The colonel blew out a sigh.

"How long?"

"A week at least. And yes, you've got to stay in bed!"

…

It had become a routine for Amanda to come by the infirmary. Today she brought cake. The colonel was more than happy about that.

"Any news?"

„Mm," he swallowed the last bite, "doc says my back is healed enough."

"Surgery?"

Jack nodded not overly enthusiastic.

"That's great!"

"Sure I'm glad to get the damn things out, but I'm not such a big fan of being cut open."

"I'll be here when you wake up."

Jack set down the plate and looked at her with narrowed eyes.

"You don't even like me."

"Yeah, right, that's why I spend all my free time in the infirmary."

"Amanda, I know you feel like you owe me something, but I told you before that's not necessary. I just did my job. Not a very good one by the way, or else you wouldn't have been shot. You don't have to feel obliged to take care of me."

Amanda looked at him for a long moment.

"Obligation doesn't have anything to do with it."

…

While Jack was in surgery Amanda had to distract herself, so she went to the mess hall. Only to run into Lt. Lissy Miller, a young officer she had befriended. Lissy instantly noticed that something was wrong.

"What's your problem?"

"The Colonel."

"Which one?"

"O'Neill."

"Well – I know he's not exactly fond of scientists, but is he treating you that badly?"

Amanda just looked at her.

"Wait a minute. You LIKE him! You're not in trouble because you hate working with him, you like him and don't know what to do about it!"

"What do you suggest?"

"Tell him?"

"Yeah sure, great."

"OK, what is it that you like about him? Besides the obvious I mean?"

"The obvious?"

"Oh come on, he's an attractive man. If you _like_ older men. But I'm sure there's more to it."

"I don't know. I guess I feel – comfortable around him. I feel like I can trust him. With my life, if it came to it...and it has! I feel safe, relaxed. Well, not relaxed. When I'm with him I don't know what to say."

"Jeez, you really do have a crush on him, don't you?"

Another pointed look.

"OK, tell him. Tell him what you've just told me."

"I can't. He'll just say it's his job."

"And what's wrong about telling him you appreciate how he does his job? Wouldn't you like hearing that?"

…

A few days later Amanda was sitting in the mess hall again, well aware of SG1 being present as well. Jack had been released from the infirmary the day before and was catching up with his team. After a while one by one the members of SG1 left their table, leaving the colonel to the second portion of his pie. Amanda took a deep breath, pushed back her chair and approached him. When he looked up at her she immediately knew this had been a bad idea. He didn't say anything, just waited. She swallowed once and cleared her throat.

"Am I disturbing you? I wondered if I might have a word with you."

"Sure." He gestured to the chair Daniel had been sitting in across the table from him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just wanted..."

Jack looked at her for a second. Then he put his spoon aside, straightened and got up.

"How about we take a walk."

She felt incredibly grateful and got up as well.

"I think that's a good idea."

They left the mess hall with Jack taking the lead. She couldn't help but notice how naturally it came to him and how gladly she followed him. She smiled without knowing it, but he noticed.

"What?" He returned the smile and it struck her how handsome he was. That smile made him ten years younger, at least.

"Where are we going?"

"Up. I need some air. Real air. Not that..."

"...recycled stuff?"

"Yeah." He smiled at her again. "Let's go topside."

In the elevator they were trying not to look at each other. Strange thing that elevator rides always felt awkward, no matter where you were. The thought made her smile again.

"Now what? You keep smiling that smile and refuse to tell me what it's about. That's highly unfair."

They reached the top level and she was spared from answering as they stepped out into the sun of a clear spring afternoon. Both took a deep breath and sat down on a flat rock.

"Now, what? You had something to tell me?"

All of a sudden she was lacking words. Quite embarrassing for someone so skilled in languages.

"I wanted to tell you that I think you're doing a fine job." Oh great. Try again?

He just raised his eyebrows and waited.

She let out a breath and hung her head. "I'm sorry."

When he didn't answer, she looked up to find him slightly amused.

"I've been practicing this, you know? I'm afraid I wasted my time."

Jack turned and locked eyes with her. "What's this about?" he asked in a tone she had never heard from him before. In a way it encouraged her.

"I meant to say that I'm glad you're there. That I trust you. I'd trust you with my life, _have_ trusted you with my life, and I've never experienced that before. There's some...confidence that you radiate. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, and again that isn't something I've experienced before. And now I feel stupid about telling you." She blushed. Anyway...she'd finally said it and was kind of proud that she'd managed to hold off the blushing until the end of her little speech.

Jack broke the eye contact and leaned back. For a moment he seemed to ponder her words, then he snapped back into action mode.

"I think I've had enough oxygen for today. There's paperwork to be done." He got up and made his way back, not bothering to check if she followed him.

...

TBC

 *** probably medical bullshit, but I wanted Jack in bed for a while ;-)**

 **And yes, in a way it's a cliffhanger - again! Can't help it. No wait, that's not true. I could. I just choose not to. :-D**


	3. Taking a chance

A few hours later she sat at her desk staring at the artifact SG-3 had brought back. It had seemed a routine job to translate, but now she was stuck. She felt a headache building up and the muscles in her neck were tensing up. Her mood had been better, too. Frustrated she pushed the artifact away from her and considered asking Dr. Jackson for help. She picked up the phone to make the call when she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. Turning towards her office door she froze. He was the last person she needed to see right now. She put the phone back, deciding she needed to see her colleague personally. With a mere nod and an unemotional 'Colonel' she stepped past him, forcing him to step back to let her pass.

Daniel had gladly agreed to look at the problem she was facing, but he didn't quite understand what it was about. It was a routine translation that he knew the young German linguist was easily capable of. Something was wrong here. When they were done with it he leaned back in his chair and looked at her. "What's up?"

She took a deep breath and got to her feet. "Thank you very much, Daniel. Now that you solved this, everything is OK."

He didn't buy it.

"Bist du sicher? Du siehst erschöpft aus, und wir wissen beide, dass du meine Hilfe für sowas eigentlich nicht brauchst." [You sure? You look exhausted, and we both know you actually don't need my help doing this.]

She was taken by surprise when she was addressed in her mother tongue. On top of everything else that had happened that day, it was just too much to take. She fell back into the chair she had just risen from and laid her head on the table. She was able to keep back the tears, but only if she didn't speak. Daniel walked around the desk and touched her shoulder. "Hey! Care to talk to me?"

"I can't." Muffled by her arms he could barely catch it.

"What, classified information?" he joked.

It made her smile and she raised her head to let him see it. "Sort of. I'd have to kill you if I told you."

That made _him_ smile. "Been working with the military too long, lady!"

She let out her breath. "No, really, I just can't. But I'll live." She finally got up and left his office, thanking him again for his help.

Still wondering what the trouble might be Daniel decided to get something to eat. He ran into Jack and they sat down together. It wasn't until some time later that Daniel noticed his friend wasn't paying attention to him. Well even less attention than usual. Waving his hand in front of Jacks eyes he forced him to react. When he saw the look he immediately regretted the attempt.

"What?!" The colonel snapped at him.

"I was just wondering if you were still with me."

"Oh for crying out loud, Daniel, leave me alone."

He pushed his chair back with some force and left the mess hall in such a hurry that it almost looked like he was running from something. Shaking his head Daniel left as well and headed for Sam's lab. Her door was open, so he entered and she looked up at him.

"Everything fine around here?"

Sam smiled and nodded.

"And yourself?"

Daniel shrugged. "I don't know, I thought maybe there was some alien virus going around the base or something."

Sam looked alert. "How come?"

Daniel waved his hand and said: "Just joking. Everybody's behaving a little strangely lately."

Sam seemed to consider it. "Who exactly?"

"Amanda Hess couldn't translate a piece that really wasn't that difficult, and Jack has just snapped at me like I was a complete idiot."

The moment he said it he came to think there might indeed be a connection...

...

Amanda had decided to run a bath. It had always helped her to relax. Just before she got into the tub there was a soft knock at her front door. Cursing under her breath in various languages she put on her bathrobe and flung the door open.

"What?", she demanded before she had realized who her visitor was. The colonel and the linguist were equally robbed of words it seemed. For different reasons though. Both blushed.

"I'm sorry -", they both started at the same time and couldn't help a grin. Amanda gathered her wits first and asked him in.

"I'll be right back, make yourself comfortable", she said and disappeared into the bathroom. When she returned, she wore jeans and a t-shirt and he was studying her bookshelf. At the sound of her entering the room he turned and said:

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm disturbing you. We'd better talk tomorrow on the base."

"No, it's okay. Hot water is overrated anyway."

He smiled, but still wasn't convinced it was OK to be there.

"And there must be a reason you're here. I mean you didn't just happen to be in the neighborhood, did you?"

Again he smiled and shook his head.

"No, in fact I came here with a purpose. Daniel approached me. I... had treated him a little unfairly, but he didn't seem to mind. He just grinned at me and told me to sort things out. Before I could even start to pretend I didn't know what he was talking about he gave me The Look."

"The look?"

"Yeah, the look. The one that says 'Cut the crap, Jack, I've known you for too long'. I hate it when he does that, but he's usually right. Don't you dare tell him I said that."

Suddenly Amanda became aware that they were still standing in the center of her living room. Just when she was about to offer him a seat he took a step towards her. His face turned serious. He lowered his eyes for a moment and then looked straight into hers.

"Look, I suck at this. But still, I owe you an apology. The way I treated you today wasn't fair, and I came to say I'm sorry."

Amanda swallowed once and without breaking the eye contact she said:

"Then why did you do it? I thought...well maybe I made a fool of myself but initially I felt like you..." She trailed off.

"I thought it was very brave of you. And when the moment came, I just couldn't reply to that bravery. I'm a real coward, you know?"

She snorted. "Oh come on. You're a US Airforce Colonel! And you might easily be the most courageous person I know."

"In the field, maybe. But in a situation like this..."

She took another step, standing very close now.

"What exactly is the situation right now, colonel?" she asked, looking up at him with the slightest tease in her eyes.

In what was barely a whisper he answered her:

"Right now, I'm scared to the bone."

"Scared of me?"

"Scared I might mess this up. I'm really bad at talking about what's going on inside me. I need to change that, only I don't know if I can. It's who I am. Can someone ever change what they are?"

Without another word she reached up and touched his face, a feather light brush against his temple with her fingertips. He closed his eyes and exhaled. She stretched on her toes to reach his mouth with hers. It was a small kiss, careful, tender, almost unsure. He didn't avoid it but didn't react either. She drew back to look at his face. He looked lost. Amanda took a deep breath and sat on the couch. Looking up to him and patting the space beside her she said:

"Come here."

He did, sitting down on the edge of the couch with his elbows on his knees, not looking at her. Something inside her died. She cleared her throat and said quietly:

"I'm sorry. Maybe I was wrong."

His head snapped up and he rushed out:

"No! Oh God, there's absolutely nothing _you_ should be sorry for! It's me. I...well, you know I screwed up so badly once I'm still kind of gun shy."

Amanda took his hands and gently forced him to look at her.

"I screwed up so many times I just decided this was going to be different. I'm tired of running around secretly in love with men that don't care about me. I've been doing that long enough, I just don't want it to happen again. So I took my heart in both hands...well I think that doesn't work in English, does it?"

Jack smiled a little and said:

"I think I know what it's supposed to mean."

He leaned in, his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted and kissed her, soft and slow.

"Not scared anymore, colonel?", she whispered close to his mouth.

"Assessed the risk and decided it was acceptable", he answered and deeply enjoyed the touch of her lips on his.

…

They sat on the couch for a while without speaking. Every now and then one or the other would start a gentle touch, evoking a smile or a kiss. It was Amanda who finally spoke:

"You know, I was – surprised, to be honest, when you showed up here."

He looked up and met her eyes, but clearly didn't know what to say.

"Not that I'm complaining", she went on with a smile. "I just – I guess I wasn't expecting you to be – interested."

His eyebrows went up. "Are you kidding me? What guy in his right mind wouldn't be?"

She blushed a little.

"I just felt you didn't particularly like scientists, let alone civilian scientists."

He gave her a half smile.

"As far as I recall you're not very fond of the military."

"Yeah...that's what I thought."

"Changed your mind?"

She turned serious.

"Yes. The way you see your job...well let's just say I came to appreciate the whole concept a lot more than I used to."

They were silent again for a few minutes, and then Jack said:

"So what made you think I wouldn't be interested – besides the obvious scientist thing?"

She didn't answer him right away, and when she did her voice was low.

"I thought you'd need something different. Someone who can keep up with you. Someone more – adventurous, less cautious – someone who can keep you on your toes."

He let out a breath and took her hands. Fully turning to her he said:

"Why would I want that?"

"I don't know, I just feel – naive next to you. You've seen combat. All the things you must have experienced -"

"Believe me, I really don't need somebody who's like me. The reason guys like me go to war is to make sure people like you don't ever have to deal with it. So that you're safe. That's what we do. Make sure the smart people are safe, those who are good at science and art and – I don't know. Make sure beauty is safe, and health, and happiness."

Amanda looked at him speechless. He let go of her hands and dropped his gaze.

"You think I'm being melodramatic."

"No! I'm just – surprised. You're really serious about your service. It's not just an expression, it's what you do. Serve."

He shrugged.

"I guess?"

She framed his face with her hands.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Being the man you are."

She closed her eyes and kissed him. It was Jack who broke the kiss to look at her.

"You know I've been falling for you for quite some time."

"Really? You certainly know how to be stealthy", she grinned.

"I do. But this was more like cowardice in the face of the enemy."

"So you considered me hostile?"

"Let's say I was dealing with a lack of reliable intel."

Turning serious she said:

"That's what it's like I'm afraid. Take a chance and risk looking like a fool."

"Yeah. Who said you're not adventurous?"

…

"Your dad? Amanda, I'm not sure...the mission roster is brutal, all of them urgent, and I can't let the team down..."

Amanda gave him an amused look, and he admitted:

"Yeah alright, I know I'm being a chicken. Happy now? I mean, your dad doesn't like the military, you've told me that more than once. Plus I could easily be...I mean how much older than me is he, anyway?"

She rolled her eyes.

"I love you, and I'm incredibly happy with you, and I told him that. Therefor he will welcome you to the family. And yes, he was a little surprised that I would choose a military guy. I mean, I was even surprised myself. But he's curious to meet you. So, come on!"

Jack finally surrendered.

"OK, if it means that much to you. Uhm, what am I supposed to wear?"

Deadly serious she suggested:

"You might wanna wear your dress blues for the occasion."

He made a face.

"Oh come on, you know that I hate them. I always feel like I'm about to suffocate. Do you really think it's -"

Amanda couldn't keep a straight face any longer and burst out laughing.

"It's OK, I'm joking. Wear whatever you want."

...

TBC


	4. Breakdown

A few days later they were loading their stuff into Jack's truck when his phone rang. General Hammond sounded determined:

"Jack, where are you? Get to the SGC asap. And in case Miss Hess is with you, bring her, too."

…

"No! Jack, please! I can't do it again!"

Amanda was staring at him wide eyed and in panic.

"It might not be a big deal if you're military, but I'm a scientist. I'd never been shot at before, and I'm scared! I'm not going back!"

Jack pulled her close and gently stroked her back.

"I know, Amanda, I know. I'm glad you're not military, otherwise I might have to make it an order. I don't even want to make it a plea, but I don't have a choice. We need those results, and Daniel said he can't do it without you. Please..." - he pulled away from her enough to look at her face - "...I swear I'm right behind you. I won't let it happen again. I'd rather die than allow you to be in danger again. Please. Trust me."

"I do, Jack, really, I do. If I trust anybody with my life, it's you. But I'm scared to death. Please don't make me do it!"

"OK, I won't. We'll find another way."

He held her until she calmed down. But he had no idea what other way there could be.

…

Neither Carter nor anybody else had found another solution, so Amanda had teeth-gnashingly agreed to return to the damn planet one last time. They were all assembled in the 'gate room and waiting for the wormhole to establish. Amanda already started to regret the whole thing. Jack was trying to reassure her.

"It'll be a piece of cake. You said it yourself, it's only details. How long could that take, half an hour?"

Amanda nodded and tried to be brave.

"Ready?" Jack looked at her questioningly.

"Ready", she answered him, but the moment they set foot on the ramp the "Unscheduled offworld activation" announcement sounded through the 'gate room and Jack pulled Amanda out of the way. It turned out SG-3 were coming in hot. Just as the iris was closing one last bullet made it through. Jack felt Amanda sack against his side. Acting on instinct he put his arms around her and lowered her to the ground. When he saw the blood trickle from her lips he breathed a strangled 'No!'

He blinked to clear his blurry sight. Amanda opened her eyes.

"Jack", she managed.

He leaned in closer.

"I'm here, Amanda."

He couldn't breath.

"Not...your fault", she whispered, and then her eyes closed and her body went slack in his arms.

…

Jack O'Neill was standing at attention in front of the general's desk.

"Are you sure, Jack?", Hammond asked looking at the papers Jack had just handed him.

"Yes, sir."

"I know what you're going through at the moment, son, and I absolutely understand if you need time. If you want to take some leave that's alright with me. No matter how long."

The colonel briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Please, sir."

"OK. If that's really what you want – Colonel Jonathan Jack O'Neill, I hereby accept your resignation. You are dismissed."

Jack blew out the breath he'd been holding and stood at parade rest.

"Thank you, George", he said softly. He was already halfway out the door when Hammond called him back. Jack turned and looked at his former CO.

"Jack, I'm incredibly sorry. We shouldn't...if I hadn't approved the mission -"

"There wasn't much of a choice. We had to try. What happened to Amanda is on me. I should have made sure she was safe."

Hammond kept staring at his office door long after Jack had left.

…

There was a knock at Jack's front door, but he didn't feel like talking to anybody. He played possum and hoped the visitor would go away. When Jack didn't react to the repeated knocking it looked like he or she had given up, so Jack went back to nursing his beer. Suddenly somebody was standing outside the glass doors leading to his back porch. Sighing he went to open the doors.

"Carter, what are you doing here? I'm retired, save the planet without me."

The major smiled and came in.

"Sir, currently the planet doesn't need any saving."

"Retired, Carter. Lose the 'sir'."

"Uhm, yes, right. It's hard to get used to it, s- Jack."

"So? What _are_ you doing here?"

"I wanted to see how you're doing. I mean, what are you doing?"

"This and that. Mainly that."

He dropped onto the couch and Carter sat down in the armchair.

"Want a beer?"

"No, thank you. I'm still on duty, more or less. So? How are you doing?"

"Oh come on, how do you think I'm doing? The woman I loved is dead, and it's my fault."

"It's that guy's fault who fired the shot, Jack. Not yours."

"There was only one reason for me to be there – to keep her from getting shot. I talked her into going back to that damn planet. She was scared and I told her to trust me. She did, and look where it got her. I failed, she's dead. I don't deserve comfort. Actually I think I don't even deserve to mourn."

"Jack...you loved her! You were happy with her. I saw you together, you were another person when you were with her."

"A better person. I was better when she was with me..."

„Jack..." Sam stood and sat with him on the couch. She carefully touched his shoulder. He jumped to his feet.

"No. I'm sure you have more important things to do."

There was a lump in Sam's throat when she drove back to the base, deeply worried.

…

Sam woke from something that sounded like her door bell. She glanced at the alarm clock beside her bed. 2:32. She must have been mistaken. Just as she was about to fall asleep again she heard the sound once more. Puzzled she got out of bed and went to the door. She looked through the spyhole – and was more than surprised at her nightly visitor.

„Colonel!"

She stepped back to let him in, but he didn't move. He looked insecure, aware of his odd behavior.

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"Come on in. Now that I'm awake anyway..."

"Thank you, Sam." His voice was low and she could tell he was really grateful.

She led the way into her kitchen.

"Drink?"

His smile was bitter. "I didn't do much today _but_ drink, Sam."

He really appeared to be not entirely sober.

"Should you be driving?" she said with a frown.

"No."

Sam sat down at her kitchen table and Jack followed her example. Expectantly she looked at him.

"You're wondering what on earth I'm doing in your house at this time. The fact is I don't know where else to go. That little monologue I gave about guilt and comfort..."

He rubbed his face. Sam took her chair and sat closer. She looked at him for a while and then she engulfed him in a hug without saying anything. She noticed him giving in and returning the hug, and then he drew a deep breath.

"I can't go there, Sam", he murmured against her shoulder. She pulled away to look at him.

"You can't go where?"

"The funeral. Tomorrow they are going to hold the memorial service for Amanda. But I can't go there."

Sam didn't know what to say.

"How am I supposed to meet her father's eyes? Mr. Hess, my name is Jack O'Neill, I'm the guy who let your daughter die?"

His head dropped onto the table. Sam put her hand on his shoulder.

"How about 'I loved your daughter very much?'", she asked gently. Jack didn't move.

"Do really want to deny yourself that opportunity? It's your only chance to say good bye."

"I have no right to be there."

"You're scared, that's all."

That made him lift his head.

"You're damn right about that. What a fucking coward."

"Don't you think her father has a right to know what happened to her? I doubt that the SGC gave him the full version."

Jack looked at her with a haunted look.

"Of course he has a right to that, and it's my goddamn job to stand up to him. I just can't."

Pushing back his chair he got up and stood looking out of the window.

"I'll come with you if you want me to", Sam said calmly.

He closed his eyes for a brief moment, and then he lowered his head.

"What a pathetic coward."

He took deep breath and asked without turning to her:

"Are you serious about this?"

She stood close behind him and put her hand on his shoulder once more.

"Yes."

After what felt like an eternity he finally did turn. Sam thought she could see tears in his eyes. Completely spent he allowed her to close her arms around him. He stood in her embrace for several minutes without a word, consoled for the moment.

...

TBC


	5. Healing

Sam had insisted on taking her car, making it clear that she didn't think he should be driving. He hadn't had any objections, silently grateful that she took care of him. Now they had made it. They had been sitting in her car at the cemetery for a few minutes, but Jack had been frozen stiff. His collar felt even more uncomfortable than usual and he couldn't breath.

"Do you want me to come with you, sir?"

He slowly shook his head.

"No. You've already done more than enough. I have to do this on my own. Stay put."

He'd fallen back to command mode without even noticing it, and he hadn't commented on her calling him 'sir'...obviously his mind was elsewhere. Taking a deep breath he got out of the car. Sam watched him enter the cemetery, his back straight and his shoulders set. She knew that stance. He was going into battle.

…

Jack had stood at the back during the ceremony. Now it was over and he waited for his chance to step closer to the grave undisturbed. When all the people had finally disappeared he did. He could hardly bear to see her name on the simple wooden cross. His knees gave way. He squatted down and stared at the cross. He wanted to talk to her, clear his thoughts, but he couldn't. His mind and soul were in turmoil. Finally he bowed his head. From his closed eyes silent tears were flowing freely.

As he started to calm down a little he noticed someone standing behind him. When he stood and turned he was facing Reverend Karl Hess. Amanda's father. The man he had been afraid of for days. He tried to brace himself. He was sure this man would want to bite his head off. He searched for words, but the revered beat him to it.

"You must be Jack."

His voice war hoarse, he had been crying through the funeral. But it was calm, almost friendly.

„Yes, sir. Jack O'Neill. I am so, so sorry, sir."

Hess smiled.

"Military obviously. If you insist on a title I prefer reverend. Otherwise the name is Karl."

Jack wasn't sure what to expect. Was it possible this wouldn't turn into a disaster – not _another_ disaster?

„Amanda spoke about you a lot. I told her to introduce us more than once. Unfortunately that never happened..."

Jack finally found his voice.

„I'm afraid that was my fault. I was always so horribly busy..."

„That's what Amanda said. It's a shame she wasn't allowed to talk about the project. I assume you aren't either."

"Basically, yes. But I'm retired, so..."

Karl Hess raised his eyebrows at that.

„Retired? Since when?"

„Since – she died."

„Can you tell me how she died?"

They walked together, and Jack told Karl his and Amanda's story. As much as he could possibly take the responsibility for. Eventually he stopped and looked the older man straight in the eye:

"It was my fault. Amanda would still be with us if I had done my job. I can't expect you to forgive me. But I wanted you to know."

There was a brief silence.

„Jack, when Amanda died, you were with her, right?"

„Yes."

„Was she able to say anything?"

The memory was back like a wave crushing over Jack. Amanda in his arms in the 'gate room, the blood on her face, her strangled whisper. He swallowed hard. Hoarsely he choked out a 'Yes'.

Karl looked at him expectantly. Jack cleared his throat.

„She said my name" - he could hear it in his mind - „I told her I was there. She fought to breathe, and then -"

His voice broke. Karl was still looking at him. Waiting. Patiently.

„She said, it wasn't – my fault."

Jack had to turn away, tears starting to flow anew, shoulders dropping.

„Jack", Karl said softly, „it's alright. She forgave you. So do I."

Unbelieving Jack turned back.

„How – how can you be so calm? You must hate me!"

The reverend smiled.

„I don't hate you. Amanda loved you, and if you'd come to my house I'd have welcomed you. You are grieving, the same as I am, and you have every right to do so. Don't torture yourself with a guilt that has already been forgiven."

Jack still couldn't believe it. Karl Hess took a step towards him, looked at him for a moment and opened his arms. His embrace was warm and cordial. For the first time since Amanda's death Jack felt something close to peace. For the first time he felt there was a chance his life would somehow go on.

...

Ende


End file.
